Want to Belong? Prepare to Suck at Something New.

"Join our co-ed indoor soccer team," my brother told David and me.

I knew he was talking to my husband.

Not me.

David grew up playing football in Spain.

He was one of those annoying people who could pick up any sport and immediately be good at it.

Me?

I was 46 years old.

I'd never played soccer.

Actually...

I'd never really played any team sport.

Sure, I'd spent years in gyms.

Aerobics.

Step classes.

CrossFit.

Yoga.

Weight training.

But put a ball at my feet?

Lord help us.

"Yeah," I said. "We're in."

David looked at me like I'd announced I was joining the Olympic bobsled team.

"What?" I asked.

"I don't think I want to play soccer with you."

"Why?"

"Because you're too competitive..."

He wasn't wrong. 

I couldn't dribble.

I couldn't pass.

Most of the time I couldn't even kick the ball where I intended.

But...

I could defend.

I ran like a woman possessed.

I talked trash.

I annoyed the other team.

It was my hidden talent.

Somewhere between my terrible footwork and my complete lack of soccer skills...

Something unexpected happened.

I belonged.

Into my 40s I belonged everywhere. It was automatic by virtue of being married, having children, having a professional career, and all the groups associated with these roles. 

But what occurs during midlife? The kids have flown the coop, you transition from working in a company to working from home, perimenopause and menopause happens, and childhood friends retire, move away, become caregivers for their parents. 

It can be a scary time. There are losses and shit gets real.  

But there is GREAT news!  This transformation is one filled with new opportunities and living a meaningful and authentic life. In this “second half” of our lives, we are done “doing” and performing and now we decide what we do with our time and what community, groups, organizations we want to belong to.

Image: Boogie Board Divas

Public Service Announcement

Before we go any further...

Our LOUDER GIRL community includes women from ages 30 to 80.

So, when I talk about midlife awakeners, women between 45 and 65, or "the second half of life," I'm not talking about a birthday.

I'm talking about a state of mind.

I'm talking about the moment you begin asking different questions.

• Who am I?
• What do I want?
• How do I want to spend this one wild and precious life?

That's Ignited Leadership.

Leading your life from the inside out instead of living according to everyone else's expectations.

Now...back to our regularly scheduled program.

What Does Ignited Leadership Look Like When Trying to Belong?

Image: Left out

It means you stop asking,

"Where do I fit in?"

and start asking,

"Where can I fully be myself?"

It means saying no to friendships that leave you exhausted.

No to networking events that feel transactional.

No to book clubs where you secretly hate every book.

No to organizations where you feel invisible.

No to communities that require you to shrink, perform, or pretend.

It means saying yes to the places that make you feel more like yourself.

Where laughter comes easily.

Where curiosity is welcomed.

Where people celebrate your success instead of competing with it.

Where you leave feeling energized instead of depleted.

Image: Belonging

How an Ignited Leader Chooses a Good Trouble Community

Not every group deserves your time.

Not every organization deserves your gifts.

Not every invitation deserves a "yes."

Before joining something new, ask yourself:

• Can I show up as my whole self here? 
• Do I feel seen, heard, and valued? 
• Do people lift one another up or compete for attention? 
• Is this community driven by purpose or by ego? 
• Do I leave with more energy than I arrived with? 
• Am I growing into who I'm becoming—or shrinking back into who I used to be? 

If the answer is mostly "no"...

Keep looking.

Build a Belonging Portfolio

One of the mistakes many of us make is expecting one group to meet all our needs.

An Ignited Leader builds a belonging portfolio.

Maybe one community feeds your creativity.

Another challenges your thinking.

Another gets you outside hiking.

Another nourishes your spirituality.

Another makes you laugh until your cheeks hurt.

No single community must be everything.

Together, they can help you become more fully yourself.

Image: Community

So Where Do You Start?

Not with finding the perfect group.

With finding your next adventure.

Maybe that's a hiking club.

Maybe it's a pottery class.

Maybe it's volunteering at an animal rescue.

Maybe it's joining an adult volleyball league even though you've never played.

Maybe it's finally taking Spanish.

Maybe it's LOUDER GIRL.

The activity almost doesn't matter.

The courage does.

The Good Trouble Challenge

This month...

Do one thing you've never done before.

Join one group.

Attend one class.

Volunteer once.

Say yes to one invitation.

Be terrible at something.

Because here's what I've learned.

The women who seem like they belong everywhere...

Once walked into a room where they knew absolutely no one.

They just kept showing up.

That's how belonging begins.