IGNITED LEADERSHIP: SOMETIMES WE DO HAVE TO SAY SORRY (JUST NOT THE WAY WE WERE TAUGHT)

“Women apologize too much, I once decided, and made myself stop, and now found it incredibly difficult to tell anyone I was sorry.” — Sheila Heti

I hate apologizing.

Decades of people-pleasing trained me to sacrifice my voice, my story, and my body so other people could feel comfortable. And I couldn’t take off my mask of perfectionism and show people that I was flawed, that I wasn’t enough.

So, for years I swore:
I will never apologize.
(Which, let’s be honest, was not exactly enlightened leadership…wink wink.)

Because here’s the truth:
Women aren’t taught to apologize when we do harm.
We’re taught to apologize for existing.

Photo: We are conditioned to apologize

If I took a shot of tequila every time I heard a woman say, “I’m sorry,” I’d be drunk by noon.

We apologize for:

• Having a voice (“Sorry, can I add something?”)
• Having needs (“Sorry to bother you…”)
• Taking up space (“Sorry, I’ll be quick…”)
• Other people’s feelings (“Sorry you feel that way”)

That’s not politeness.
That’s conditioning.

WHY WOMEN SAY “SORRY” (WHAT THE RESEARCH SHOWS)

1. Women have a lower bar for what “requires” an apology
   
   Research shows women are socialized to see normal behavior as disruptive or offensive.
   Not biology. Training.

2. “Sorry” often means empathy, not guilt
   
   Women say, “I’m sorry” to express care:
   “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
   
   But the world hears: weakness or fault.
   
   Warmth gets mistaken for liability.

3. Leadership is coded masculine
   
   Directness = confident
   Warmth = risky
   
   So, we soften our words to avoid being labeled:
   “too much,” “too aggressive,” “difficult.”
   
   The double bind: be kind or be credible.

4. Over-apologizing shrinks authority
   
   Studies show apology language lowers perceptions of competence and confidence.
   
   Every unnecessary “sorry” quietly erases power.

5. Women apologize for existing, not for wrongdoing
   
   We say sorry for:

• asking questions
• setting boundaries
• taking up time
• having opinions
• occupying space
  
  That’s not manners. That’s self-erasure training.

7. Men don’t apologize less because they’re rude
   
   They apologize less because their behavior isn’t framed as offensive.
   
   The system protects their voice.
8. Language shapes leadership
   
   Speech doesn’t just reflect confidence, it creates it.
   
   Voice = power in action.

MY NO-APOLOGY ERA (AKA: THE APOLOGY POLICE)

Photo: Sorry not sorry

My crusade started in my late 40s and early 50s — right around the time I earned my PhD in Leadership and finally broke free from institutions that taught me to be small.

I took my NO APOLOGIES TOUR everywhere:

• CrossFit boxes
• Trader Joe’s
• LOUDER GIRL circles
• My daughters
• Total strangers

I couldn’t stand hearing women apologize for:

• People stepping over their dumbbells
• An employee “making me wait” as she logged into the cash register
• Being late to a Zoom meeting due to tech issues
• A not-pretty-enough zucchini cake
• Rude customer service

I thought:
Stop saying sorry. Ever.

But that wasn’t Ignited Leadership either.

IGNITED LEADERSHIP TRUTH: SOMETIMES WE DO NEED TO APOLOGIZE

Remember the movie Love Story?
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Cute on screen.
Dangerous in real life.

Because Ignited Leadership begins within.

Our first core belief:

• Leadership starts with radical self-honesty
• You cannot lead others while lying to yourself
• Your body, emotions, and story hold wisdom

Core truth:
Self-awareness is the first act of leadership.

Which means:
I don’t get to hide behind rage, perfectionism, or people-pleasing.
I don’t get to pretend I don't cause harm.

Ignited Leadership requires:
Repair. Responsibility. Relationship.

Not shrinking.
Not self-flagellation.
Not performative guilt.

POWER-WITH APOLOGY LANGUAGE (LOUDER GIRL STYLE)

Here’s how we stop apologizing for existing and start leading with accountability.

1. When you need to be accountable
   
   Instead of: Sorry about that.
   Try:

• “I see how that affected you.”
• “I hear you.”
• “Thank you for your patience.”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Accountability ≠ shrinking.

2. When setting a boundary
   
   Instead of: Sorry, I can’t.
   Try:

• “It doesn’t work for me.”
• “I’m not available.”
• “I’m needed elsewhere.”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Boundaries don’t need apologies.

3. When taking space
   
   Instead of: Sorry to jump in…
   Try:

• “I’d like to add something.”
• “Here’s another perspective.”
• “I want to be clear.”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Your voice does not require permission.

4. When late or delayed
   
   Instead of: Sorry I’m late.
   Try:

• “Thank you for waiting.”
• “I appreciate your flexibility.”
• “I’m here now and ready.”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Shift from guilt to presence.

5. When you make a mistake
   
   Instead of: Sorry, I messed up.
   Try:

• “I own that.”
• “Here’s what I learned.”
• “Here’s how I’ll handle it next time.”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Leadership is repair, not perfection.

6. When expressing empathy
   
   Instead of: I’m sorry that happened.
   Try:

• “That sounds really hard.”
• “I’m with you.”
• “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
  
  Truth: Compassion without self-blame.

7. When asking a question
   
   Instead of: Sorry if this is dumb…
   Try:

• “I’m curious about…”
• “Help me understand…”
• “Can you say more about…?”
  
  LOUDER GIRL Truth: Curiosity is leadership.

DR. Z SELF-LOVE MOMENT (2 MINUTE PRACTICE)

The No-Sorry Reset Ritual

Today, notice every time you say, “I’m sorry.”

Pause.
Hand on your heart.
Ask yourself:

Am I actually responsible…or am I trying to disappear?

Then replace it with one LOUDER GIRL sentence:

• “Thank you for waiting.”
• “I need something different.”
• “I want to be clear.”

Write this at the top of your journal or on a post-it:

I release apology as self-erasure.
I choose truth, presence, and repair.
My voice is not an inconvenience.

Take one deep breath.
That’s Ignited Leadership.

READY TO PRACTICE THIS IN COMMUNITY?

Join the LOUDER GIRL Community → https://www.loudergirl.com/join

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