IGNITED LEADERSHIP: OUR ANGER IS ASKING SOMETHING OF US What can we do about violence against women?

I'm angry.

Angry isn't a big enough word.

I'm fucking furious.

I read about the Cornell allegations. The Epstein files. Domestic violence. Chanel Miller and Brock Turner.

Story after story of women being assaulted, abused, doubted, blamed, shamed, and silenced.

And I know this story personally.

I KNOW WHAT SILENCE FEELS LIKE

In 2016, at 53, while earning my PhD, I was sexually assaulted by a visiting professor.

I was one semester from graduating.

I was scared to report him.

Would they believe me? Would I become the problem? The troublemaker? The angry, emotional, unhinged woman?

Two friends encouraged me to tell my faculty advisor. Eventually, I reported him.

Another woman did, too.

He was banned from teaching at the university.

Years later, I learned he'd died. His obituaries celebrated a brilliant researcher who transformed his field.

I read it and thought about the stories that weren't there.

Ours.

And underneath my anger was something else.

Grief.

Grief for me.

Grief for the women.

Grief for the girls.

Grief that we're still having this fucking conversation.

And then came the question:

What the hell am I supposed to do about it?

I can't prosecute a rapist.

I can't rewrite the justice system tonight.

I can't single-handedly dismantle a culture that has taught generations of women how to protect themselves from male violence.

But I refuse to believe I am powerless.

Maybe changing a culture doesn't begin with one enormous act.

Maybe it begins with millions of small ones.

THIS IS AN IGNITED MOMENT

Leadership isn't a title, position, or having enough power to fix an entire system.

Leadership happens in the choices we make in the moment.

I call these Ignited Moments.

IGNITED MOMENT: The moment you recognize you have a choice—and choose what aligns with your truth rather than what you've been taught, expected, or conditioned to do.

They're often tiny.

A few seconds between seeing and doing.

Do I laugh or challenge?

Do I look away or move closer?

Do I doubt or listen?

Do I protect someone's reputation or protect a human being?

Do I stay comfortable or say the uncomfortable thing?

That space is where Ignited Leadership begins.

10 IGNITED MOMENTS THAT CAN CHANGE THE CULTURE

1. Call it out.
Someone makes a degrading joke. Don't give the uncomfortable little laugh.

Say, “Not funny.”

2. Ask the questions.
Someone says, “She was really drunk.”

Ask: “What does her being drunk have to do with his behavior?”

Then instead of asking, Why didn't she leave?

Ask: “What made leaving difficult or dangerous for her?”

3. Move closer.
A woman looks uncomfortable at a party, bar, workplace, or event.

Go to her.

“Hey, there you are. Come with me.”

4. Believe first.
Someone tells you she was assaulted or abused.

Don't investigate.

“I believe you. What do you need?”

5. Stop making excuses for him.

He's a good guy.

He was drunk.

He's young.

He has his whole future ahead of him.

Her future matters, too.

6. Men, speak when women aren't in the room.

When another man degrades women, objectifies them, makes the joke, or crosses a line:

Say something.

Especially when no woman is there to hear you.

7. Teach in the moment.

A child ignores another child's stop.

Don't dismiss it as kids being kids.

Teach boundaries.

Teach consent.

Teach respect.

8. Trust the discomfort.

Something doesn't feel right?

Pay attention.

Your discomfort may be asking something of you.

9. Be willing to make it awkward.

Sometimes Ignited Leadership sounds like:

“I'd rather make this awkward than make myself silent.”

10. Choose people over institutions.

When protecting the team, university, company, church, family, leader, star athlete, or reputation becomes more important than protecting a human being:

Notice it. Question it. Refuse it.

IGNITED LEADERSHIP STARTS WITH ME

Before we can change what's happening around us, we have to notice what's happening within us.

That's the first practice of Ignited Leadership: Leading From Within.

For me, that has meant making some different choices about my own story.

I will not minimize what happened to me.

For years, I told myself:

It wasn't that bad.

It's not like he raped me.

Maybe I'm making too much of it.

Today I say:

He didn't have my permission to touch me. That's on him.

I've also learned:

I don't owe anyone my silence.

I don't have to tell my story before I'm ready.

I can trust my body.

And this one has been especially important:

MY ANGER CONTAINS INFORMATION

I've been told my anger was dangerous.

That being an angry feminist would get me in trouble.

That I should tone it down.

For a long time, I believed them.

Now I believe my body.

My anger tells me something matters.

Something hurts.

Something isn't right.

Something needs to change.

The question isn't whether I'm allowed to be angry.

The question is:

What will I do with my anger?

ME → WE → WORLD

This is how I believe change happens.

ME: I choose differently.

WE: My choice changes how I show up with you.

WORLD: Our choices begin changing what we collectively accept.

That's Ignited Leadership.

Not waiting until we have enough power to change everything.

Using the power we have to change the moment in front of us.

I don't want to carry my anger until it becomes despair.

I want to use it.

So, I'll start small.

I'll believe women.

I'll speak when something isn't funny.

I'll intervene when something doesn't feel right.

I'll talk to the men and boys in my life.

I'll support survivors without demanding their stories.

I'll question institutions that protect reputations before people.

I'll use my voice.

And when I have power, I'll share it.

None of these things alone will end violence against women.

But culture is created in ordinary moments—through what we tolerate, what we laugh at, what we challenge, what we teach, what we protect, and what we refuse to normalize.

That's where leadership lives.

Not someday.

Not when we have more power.

Right fucking now.

Maybe that's what our anger is asking of us.

Not to consume us.

To ignite us.

DON'T DO IT ALONE

If you're reading this feeling angry, heartbroken, overwhelmed or asking yourself What can I possibly do? Come sit in the Circle.

Ignited Leadership Circles are where we practice this together.

We slow down. We listen to ourselves. We tell the truth. We hear one another's stories. We practice using our voices. And we identify the small Ignited Moment that's waiting for us in our own lives.

You don't have to arrive with answers.

You don't have to fix the world.

Just come as you are.

Because this work was never meant to be done alone.

We rise in circles, not ladders.

>>JOIN AN IGNITED LEADERSHIP CIRCLE<<