IGNITED LEADERSHIP: I’M FINE (AND OTHER LIES WE TELL ABOUT ANGER)

 Last week, we talked about rage. Big, explosive, burn-this-shit-down rage.

I shared the story of moving to Alpine when I was 12. I was bullied, shunned, and made to feel like I didn't belong. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make friends.

At night, curled up with my cat Norman, I escaped into Stephen King's Carrie. And boy, did I find a kindred spirit.

I immersed myself in Carrie's rage. I imagined burning down the gym, getting revenge on my tormentors, and destroying everything that made me feel small, powerless, and unwanted.

Scary shit, right?

But here's what I've been thinking about since writing that blog.

Carrie's rage didn't begin when she burned down the gym.

It began with years of humiliation, rejection, cruelty, and being silenced. A thousand moments she swallowed until she couldn't swallow another.

And isn't that what so many of us do?

We swallow the irritation. The disappointment. The resentment. The disrespect.

Until one day, we explode.

Or we implode.

But what if we didn't have to do either?

What if we learned to recognize our anger before it became rage?

"I'M NOT AN ANGRY WOMAN." REALLY?

I've heard this from women more times than I can count.

"Michelle, I’m not angry like you. I don't feel like punching someone, running someone off the road, or screaming until I'm hoarse. I let it go."

I get it. But anger doesn't always look like a Stephen King novel.

Sometimes it's a thousand tiny cuts.

Your partner asks what's for dinner. Again.

Your mom calls with a last-minute favor, just as you're leaving for yoga.

A male colleague interrupts you or takes credit for your idea.

Your doctor dismisses your concerns as hormones or stress.

Someone asks if you're upset.

"No. I'm fine."

Except you're not.

You're irritated. Disappointed. Resentful. Exhausted.

But angry? Oh, no. You're not an angry woman.

Or are you?

THE THOUSAND TINY ANGERS WE SWALLOW

Anger doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes it hides behind the things we say to keep the peace.

Not every irritation is anger. But these moments are worth noticing.

Instead, we smile. Accommodate. Bite our tongues. Say yes when we mean no.

And sometimes, we've become so damn good at swallowing our feelings that we don't even recognize them anymore.

We don't always lose our temper. Sometimes we lose ourselves trying to keep it.

WHO TAUGHT US TO BE AFRAID OF ANGER?

Think about the stories we grew up with.

Boys could be angry, tough, assertive. Girls were expected to be agreeable, helpful, quiet, and pleasant.

Angry girls? Difficult.

Angry women? Bitches.

You've heard the comments:

"Calm down."

"You're unhinged."

"Is it that time of the month?"

"You're being emotional."

The message was clear.

Good women accommodate. Good women keep the peace. Good women don't make trouble.

And when belonging depends on being good, anger can feel dangerous.

So, we stuff it down. Sometimes it resurfaces as resentment, anxiety, withdrawal, or other ways of coping.

And here's the question we rarely ask:

Who benefits when women are taught to silence their own anger?

ANGER ISN'T THE ENEMY. IT'S INFORMATION.

Psychologist Paul Ekman identified anger as one of six basic emotions, alongside joy, fear, sadness, disgust, and surprise.

Anger is a normal human emotion. It can arise when we experience injustice, disrespect, threats, frustration, or crossed boundaries.

And sometimes, it's trying to tell us something important:

Something matters to me.

Something feels unfair.

My needs aren't being met.

A boundary may have been crossed.

Something needs to change.

Anger is information. Not necessarily instruction.

It doesn't mean we're always right. It doesn't mean we need to confront someone, scream, or burn anything down.

It means we have something worth exploring.

What if we stopped being afraid of anger and started listening to it?

YOUR BODY IS A COMPASS. ARE YOU LISTENING?

Here's the thing. Even when we don't recognize anger, our bodies may be giving us clues.

The clenched jaw. The knot in our stomach. Tight shoulders. A racing heart. The sudden urge to cry.

Our bodies sometimes respond before we have the words to describe what we're feeling.

But how often do we ignore those signals? Push through? Smile? Say we're fine?

In Ignited Leadership, the body is a compass.

It doesn't make decisions for us. It invites us to pay attention.

What am I feeling? Where do I feel it? What might it be telling me?

Has your body been trying to tell you something your good-girl training taught you to ignore?

FROM PERSONAL ANGER TO COLLECTIVE POWER

What happens when women stop silencing themselves and start using their voices?

Look at the November 3 midterm elections.

Women didn't just show up. They made history.

At least 159 women will serve in Congress and at least 17 will serve as governors in 2027—both record highs.

And during Native American Heritage Month, two victories deserve special recognition:

Deb Haaland, a citizen of Laguna Pueblo, became the first Native American woman elected governor in U.S. history.

Peggy Flanagan, a member of the White Earth Nation, became the first Native American woman elected to the U.S. Senate.

And Keisha Lance Bottoms became the first Black woman elected governor in the United States.

These victories weren't simply about anger. They were about women claiming their voices, challenging barriers, and working with others to make change possible.

Anger can tell us something isn't right. Collective action can help us change it.

That's Ignited Leadership.

It begins within when we recognize our feelings, question the stories we've been told, and find the courage to speak our truth.

It grows when we listen to one another, share our stories, and stand together.

From ME to WE to WORLD.

Because leadership isn't just about finding our own voice. It's about making room for others to be heard.

AN IGNITED MOMENT: BEFORE YOU SAY "I'M FINE"

The next time something irritates, frustrates, or upsets you, pause.

Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling?
• Where do I feel it in my body?
• What might this feeling be telling me?

You don't have to fix anything. Confront anyone. Or even understand it all.

Just notice.

Awareness is where self-leadership begins.

I'M FINE. BULLSHIT.

What are we really feeling beneath the smiles, the silence, and the "it's no big deal"?

Thursday, November 12 | 4:00–5:30 PM PT | FREE & VIRTUAL

Join our next Ignited Leadership Circle as we get curious about the feelings we've learned to hide, explore what they're telling us, and discover we're not alone.

No judgment. No fixing. Just real women, real feelings, and real connection.

HELL YES! SAVE MY SEAT

FIND YOUR PEOPLE. USE YOUR VOICE.

Tired of swallowing your feelings and pretending everything's fine?

You're not alone. And you don't have to figure it all out by yourself.

LOUDER GIRL is a community where women share their stories, challenge the rules, and become the leaders of their own lives. Together.