If You’re Silent, You’re Not an Ally What Ignited Leadership Looks Like for Men (Part 1 of 2)

Hi, I’m Michelle.

And for the first 35 years of my life, I was the President of the Man Haters Club.

Not quietly.

Blazing rage.

My rage came from two places: growing up in a chaotic home where I had to be perfect to survive and growing up in a culture that expected women to stay small and quiet.

Be a good girl
Be nice
Be pretty
Don’t be “too much”
Don’t be angry
Don’t challenge men

So instead of expressing rage outward, I turned it inward.

That’s the socially acceptable place for women’s anger.

And the body pays the price.

Depression.
Anxiety.
Migraines.
Teeth grinding.
Chronic exhaustion.

My rage showed up like this:

• Passive aggressiveness
• Sarcasm
• Irritability
• Trying to control everything
• Disordered eating

Meanwhile I performed the role of Perfect Woman.

Perfect wife.
Perfect employee.
Perfect boss.
Perfect mother.

Until the whole thing collapsed.

I couldn’t pretend anymore.

And I owed it to my daughters to show them what authentic living looks like.

Then I Met David

David and I worked together at UC San Diego.

I was the project director.
He managed the research staff.

My first impression?

Quiet.
Competent.
Respected by everyone.

But what struck me most was how he led.

Not with ego.

Not with hierarchy.

With collaboration.

“Let’s figure it out together.”

This was my first experience with Power-With leadership.

Friends First

Soon we were talking everywhere:

His office.
The hallway.
Before meetings.

And about:

Movies.
Music.
Rollerblading.

I had never had a male friend like that before.

David’s humor was quiet and dry.

Mine was Lucille Ball meets an emotional tornado.

The Night Everything Changed

After my Stepford Wife life imploded, David and I kept talking.

One night we went dancing at Jimmie Love’s downtown.

Friends were supposed to meet us.

They didn’t.

So, it was just us.

David paid the cover charge.
Bought the drinks.

I remember thinking:

I feel…safe.

We danced.

Me — wild arms, rage and passion flying everywhere.

David — calm, steady, feeling the music.

At one point I admitted:

“I’m really messed up. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

I had separated from my husband.
My life felt like rubble.

David looked at me and said something I will never forget.

“You’re the most together woman I know.”

That moment changed something.

It was the beginning of our love story
and the beginning of the end of my man-hating era.

The Slow Deprogramming

Image: Our Wedding Day

David and I married in 2002.
Jack was born in 2003.

Having a son complicates the Man Haters Club membership.

The shift didn’t happen overnight.

Decades of conditioning — personal and cultural — don’t disappear quickly.

Because here’s the truth:

It’s not that all men are bad.

It’s that many systems reward power-over behavior.

But David and Jack helped me see something different.

There are men who practice Power-With leadership.

Men who listen.
Men who support.
Men who show up.

The Moment of Truth

Image: POWER

For a long time I thought the problem was men.

My life experiences pointed me there.

But over time I realized something important.

Some of the worst sabotage I’ve experienced didn’t come from men.

It came from women.

The passive aggression.
The competition.
The backstabbing.

Women often say this quietly:

“Sometimes women are the hardest on other women.”

But that behavior doesn’t come from nowhere.

For generations we’ve been told there’s not enough room for us.

Not enough leadership seats.
Not enough recognition.
Not enough power.

So we’re handed a tiny pile of birdseed and told to fight each other for it.

That scarcity story is a lie.

The real issue isn’t gender.

The real issue is power.

[Pull quote: The problem isn’t men versus women.

The problem is power.]

And systems that reward power-over leadership.

Ignited Leadership asks us to do something different.

Stop fighting each other.

Start changing the system.

The Men Who Chose Power-With

Another man who shaped my life was Dr. Philip Nader, founder of UC San Diego’s Center for Community Health.

When I was 29, he offered me the chance to direct a research project.

He believed in my leadership before I believed in it myself.

That kind of mentorship changes lives.

To the Men Who Step Up

To the men who support women’s voices instead of silencing them:

Thank you.

It took me a long time to see you.

What Male Allyship Actually Looks Like

Image: ALLYSHIP

Ignited Leadership isn’t anti-men.

It’s anti-silencing.

Here’s what allyship looks like in action.

1. Believe Women the First Time

Instead of:

“Are you sure that happened?”

Try:

“I believe you.”
“Tell me more.”
“How can I support you?”

Ignited Leadership lesson: Belief is the first act of allyship.

2. Interrupt the Room

Culture shifts when men say things like:

“She wasn’t finished speaking.”
“That idea came from Sarah.”
“That joke isn’t funny.”

Ignited Leadership lesson: Allies challenge the room.

3. Pass the Microphone

Power-With leaders:

• Invite women to speak
• Hire women for leadership roles
• Credit women for their ideas
• Pay women for their expertise

Ignited Leadership lesson: Representation grows when doors open.

4. Change the Language

Instead of:

“She’s aggressive.”

Say:

“She’s decisive.”

Instead of:

“She’s emotional.”

Say:

“She’s passionate.”

Ignited Leadership lesson: Language shapes power.

Lead With Power-With

Ignited allies practice:

• collaboration
• curiosity
• inclusion

The LOUDER GIRL Truth

The truth is, women don’t need men to save us. We’ve been saving ourselves for centuries. What we need are men who refuse to stay silent. Men who challenge the old boys’ club. Men who amplify women’s voices instead of competing with them. That’s what Ignited Leadership looks like. And if you’re a man reading this wondering where to start, it’s simple: listen, believe women, and speak up when it matters. Silence protects the system. Courage changes it.

ARE YOU READY TO BE A LOUDER GIRL?

If this blog made you think:

“Yes. I want more of this.”

Then you might be a LOUDER GIRL.

LOUDER GIRL is a community of women who:

• reclaim their voices
• practice Ignited Leadership
• celebrate other women
• refuse to shrink

Join the LOUDER GIRL movement

Your voice belongs here!