I Wasn’t Crazy. I Was Conditioned. IGNITED LEADERSHIP Begins with Integration

I was 13 when I saw Sybil .

Sixteen personalities.
Male and female.
Separate memories.

A woman diagnosed with what we now call Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) after severe childhood abuse.

After watching it, I remember thinking:

“That’s insane. That’s terrifying. Thank God that’s not me.”

And if I’m honest, I had questions.

“How does a mind do that?”
“How does a person become more than one?”

At 13, I believed DID lived on the far edge of abnormal.
The kind of story you watch to reassure yourself you’re safe on the other side.

But here’s what I didn’t know yet:

Women don’t need sixteen identities to feel split.

Sometimes we only need one culture.
One family.
One marriage.
One workplace.
And a lifelong training in how to be “perfect.”

Pacific Beach to Alpine: My First Identity Split

Photo: Pacific Beach and Alpine

When I watched Sybil , we had just moved from Pacific Beach to Alpine.

Pacific Beach was chaos dressed up as “fun.”
Adults partying at our house.
My dad reinventing himself every two years—Navy officer pilot, stockbroker, junkyard owner, glazer, carpenter, publisher, contractor.
Sometimes drunk. Sometimes brilliant. Always unpredictable.

Alpine was different.

Fourth of July picnics.
Memorial Day parades.
Miss Alpine.
Little League like religion.

Family pool parties replaced stoned adults scattered across furniture.

Not Norman Rockwell.

But stable enough that my nervous system could exhale.

And in that stability, something surfaced:

I didn’t know who I was anymore.

In PB, I was the responsible oldest daughter.
The caretaker.
The “good girl.”

In Alpine, I was the new girl.
The outsider.
The “stuck-up surfer chick” (I’d never surfed a day in my life).

That’s when I learned the crucial lesson we are taught at an early age:

Identity isn’t just who you are.
It’s who you become to survive the room.

College, Marriage, Motherhood: The Persona Explosion

Photo: Personal Explosion

By 25, I wasn’t just one person.

I was:

• Bill’s wife
• Molly and Kelly’s mom
• The household CEO
• The grant-writing, ladder-climbing UC San Diego professional
• The friend
• The book club and 24-Hour Fitness member
• The woman who “does it all”

I wasn’t living one life.

I was performing many.

From the outside, I looked like I had my shit together.

Classic Type-A.
High-functioning.
Reliable.

And people said the thing women hear when they’re quietly disappearing:

“Wow, Michelle. How do you do it all?”

Inside?

I didn’t know whether I was coming or going or what hat I was supposed to be wearing.

Under the masks, I was splintering into a million tiny, private selves.

The Stepford Effect

Remember The Stepford Wives ?

A “Stepford Wife” is a woman who behaves in a submissive, unthinking way—conforming perfectly to societal rules.

Perfect wives.
Submissive. Domestic. Compliant.
Replaced by robots.

Twenty years later, I wasn’t a robot.

But I was performing the part of Michelle in my life.

Be successful.
Be thin.
Be grateful.
Be accommodating.
Be impressive.
Don’t fall apart.

And somewhere inside with all that performing and programming, I started asking:

Where is the real me?

LET’S BE CLEAR ABOUT DID

Before we go further:

DID is real.
It's a serious, trauma-based disorder that requires long-term psychotherapy to process trauma, manage symptoms, and foster integration of identities.
It is not a metaphor.
This post is not diagnosing you.

And—

Photo: Woman with theatre masks

Many women live in a state of social fragmentation.

Masking.
Role-shifting.
Persona-juggling.

Because we're trained to be acceptable before we were allowed to be authentic.

This isn’t about saying “everyone has DID.”

It’s about naming something else:

Many of us are exhausted from splitting ourselves into pieces to be loved, employed, chosen, and safe.

Fragmented Identity

When you are:

Professional at work
Pleasant at home
Polished at dinner
Put-together online
Sexy in bed
Grateful everywhere

You eventually ask:

Who am I when no one needs something from me?

Fragmentation isn’t sixteen personalities.

It’s losing access to your integrated self.

INTEGRATION: The Ignited Leadership Move

Integration isn’t burning down your life.

It’s letting your parts sit at the same table.

The ambitious one.
The exhausted one.
The sexual one.
The spiritual one.
The angry one.
The tender one.

Integration says:

I don’t have to perform to survive anymore.

That’s leadership.

That’s power-with yourself.

That’s Ignited Leadership.

Dr. Z, What Are You Saying?

I’m saying many women are exhausted from performing.

I’m saying there would be a chorus of “Me too” if we normalized identity confusion instead of shaming it.

I’m saying:

There is nothing wrong with you.

You adapted.

And now?

You get to choose your identity consciously
instead of inheriting it unconsciously.

Photo: Woman living consciously

Journal Prompts for Integration

• Which persona exhausts me the most?
• Which part of me feels exiled?
• Who did I become to be loved?
• Who am I becoming now?
• What would integration feel like in my body?

LOUDER GIRL Truth

You are not crazy.
You are not broken.

You are a woman who learned to survive in a world that rewarded fragmentation.

And now?

We raise awareness.
We normalize the conversation.
We remove shame.
We tell the truth about masks.

And we integrate.

Louder. Together.

READY TO PRACTICE THIS IN COMMUNITY?

Join the LOUDER GIRL Community → https://www.loudergirl.com/join

UPCOMING GATHERINGS

If this hit something in you…

If you’re tired of performing your life instead of living it…

If you’ve been the competent one, the calm one, the “I’ve got it” one…

It’s time to integrate.

Join us inside a LOUDER GIRL Gathering where we practice power-with ourselves and each other.

No masks.
No perfection.
No performance.

Just truth. Story. Sisterhood.

Come as you are. Give what you can. Your story belongs here.

The IGNITED LEADERSHIP Framework: How We Lead from Lived Experience
📅 March 9 & 23 | 4–5 PM Pacific
Join this 60-minute LOUDER GIRL gathering, designed to help women step into Ignited Leadership—the kind that rises from lived experience, not polished performance.
This guided space invites truth-telling, deep listening, and real-time self-leadership in community.
Here, presence matters more than image, and integrity matters more than appearance.
This is Ignited Leadership in action—power-with, not power-over—rooted in sisterhood, access, and belonging.
Your presence matters, and your story is what lights the fire.

👉 YES, I’M IN → RSVP NOW:
https://www.loudergirl.com/webinar

Stay connected with news and updates!

Join our mailing list to receive the latest news and updates.
Don’t worry, your information will not be shared.

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.