BECOMING A LOUDER GIRL: Is “Looking in the Mirror” Helping or Hurting You?

Part 1: How I Spent 50 Years Avoiding My Own Face or What Took Me So Long to Look in the Damn Mirror?

Driving back from the Campo Kumeyaay reservation after a memorial for a beloved cultural icon, I made a pit stop at the Golden Acorn Casino. Restroom break + world’s best popcorn (CaliCorn) = priorities.

I stepped out of the bathroom and bee-lined to the popcorn. Once at register, a young woman behind the counter looked right at me and said with genuine warmth:

“Hi, how are you doing this evening?”

“I’m awesome,” I said. She smiled at me, rang up the popcorn, and then resumed her conversation with her manager.

I squinted at the amount I owed on the register since I didn’t have my glasses. I put $5 dollars in her palm. She paused mid-change-counting, stared at me, and said:

“You have the most beautiful eyes.”

What?
Excuse me?
MY brown, basic, boring DMV-issued BRO eyes?

Note: On my latest drivers’ license I changed my eyes from BRO to HAZ and my hair from BRO to GRY.

I’ve spent decades avoiding the mirror—literally and spiritually. Sure, I glanced at myself to put on makeup (usually in the car, let’s be honest), but I never looked. Not at me-me. Not at my humanity, beauty, or worth.

And when I did look, I used the mirror like a weapon:

Is that cellulite? (I was 25.)
Is that a wrinkle? (I was 30.)
Are your boobs resting on your “waist”? (I was the human version of SpongeBob SquarePants)

Photo: SpongeBob

Mirrors weren’t invitations. They were battlegrounds.

The Two Times I Remember Being Told I Had Pretty Eyes

• My high school boyfriend across the checkered tablecloth of the restaurant in Little Italy.
• Thirty-five years later, a makeup artist at my daughter’s wedding.

That’s two compliments across half a lifetime. Why?
Because I never allowed myself to believe anything good about me.

Sound familiar, Sister?

Why We Treat Ourselves Like Shit

We’ve been TRAINED to.

We inherit society’s stories, and then we embody them.
The self-surveillance.
The comparison.
The shrinking.
The shaming.
We become our own prison guards.

Here’s the truth they don’t want us to know:

We were not born hating ourselves. We were taught to.

Here are the top culprits:

1. Media + Beauty Culture = Psychological Warfare
   A constant barrage of flawless faces and filtered bodies trains us to believe we’re never enough.

2. Internalized Criticism
   The voices of parents, partners, peers, teachers, bosses…they take root.
   Then we water them.

3. External Validation Addiction
   We rely on mirrors and societal standards and expectations to confirm our worth.
   Spoiler: culture and mirrors don’t love you back.
   You must.
   
   And so yes—it took me five decades to finally learn my worth.

What a Fucking Waste. And a Beautiful Realization.

I could grieve the years I spent hustling, shrinking, pleasing, striving.
But instead:

I celebrate that I finally—finally—care more about what I think of me

than what anyone else thinks.

As George Eliot said: “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.”

The Power of Self-Reflection (aka Getting Loud with Yourself)

Photo: Looking in the mirror

Looking inward is not woo-woo.
It’s revolutionary.
It’s liberation.

Self-reflection helps you:

• Boost Self-Awareness — understand your triggers, patterns, and beliefs
• Build Self-Compassion — soften your inner critic
• Improve Body Image — mirror work becomes healing, not harming
• Reduce Anxiety + Depression — less spiraling, more grounding
• Foster Authenticity — reclaim who you are
• Enhance Resilience — process pain instead of performing perfection

So, You Want to Start “Mirror Work”? Slow Your Roll, Sister.

I love your enthusiasm, but here’s the truth:

Healing is not a makeover.

It’s a practice.

You’ve spent YEARS learning to attack yourself.
You will need time—and gentleness—to unlearn that.

Tiny steps. Tiny wins. Tiny rebellions against the bullshit we've been handed.

My Turning Points

There were two moments that changed everything:

1. My daughters.
   
   Photo: Daughters
   I caught myself trashing my body and realized:
   Would I ever want Molly or Kelly to talk to themselves this way?
   HELL NO.
   So I stopped.

2. A Weight Watchers lesson that punched me in the gut:
   Would you say this to a friend?
   If not, shut it down or reframe it with love.

How to Rewrite the Shitty Stories in Your Head

Step 1: Awareness

Catch the negative thought. Name it. Don’t judge it, spot it.

Step 2: Give Your Critic a Name

The voice is not you.
It’s an intruder.

Call it Bob.
Call it Mom.
Call it Patriarchy.
Call it Shithead.
Whatever the name, it creates distance.

Step 3: Challenge + Reframe

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it something you would say to someone you love?

Step 4: Replace With Love

Affirmations, gratitude, and compassion. One warm sentence shifts the entire internal landscape.

Some examples:
I’m trying.
I’m learning.
Thank you, body, for showing up today.
I deserve gentleness.

Other LOUDER GIRL Tools

1. Mindfulness: Breathe. Return. Get present.
2. Journaling: See your patterns in ink. Rewrite them.
3. Tiny Habits: As BJ Fogg teaches—
   We change best by feeling GOOD, not guilty.
   Celebrate every small win.
   Fist pump. Smile. High five that gorgeous face in the mirror.

Photo: Tiny Habits Book, BJ FOGG

My Hope is Something Wild Will Happen to You, Too

Photo: Wild women

When I started LOUDER GIRL, I made a promise to meet myself differently.

Now I look in the mirror with softness.
With gratitude.
With awe.

Thank you, body, for carrying me through motherhood.
Thank you, eyes, for finally seeing me.
Thank you, spirit, for staying bright.

And now?

I walk with my shoulders back.
Spine long.
Head high.
Light on full blast.

Not because the world changed—
but because I did.

We explored what happens when women stop using the mirror as a weapon and start using it as a gateway back to themselves. For decades, Michelle avoided her reflection—only meeting a woman shaped by shame, societal beauty standards, internalized criticism, and inherited stories of not-enoughness. A simple compliment at a roadside casino cracked something open: What if she had always been beautiful, worthy, and whole and simply never allowed herself to believe it?

Through storytelling and honesty, this piece unpacks why so many women treat themselves like their worst enemy and how those patterns are learned, absorbed, and embodied. It offers a path back through self-reflection, reframing negative self-talk, naming the inner critic, practicing tiny habits, and choosing compassion over punishment.

Part 1 ends with a powerful truth: It’s never too late to learn to love the woman staring back at you. And once you begin, you don’t just walk differently—you live differently. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we go deeper into healing practices, mirror work, and reclaiming your story.

RSVP for Free BECOMING A LOUDER GIRL December Webinars:
The winter months give us permission to reclaim rest, reflect, and renew. Join these free webinars to find out how and get support from other women.

BECOMING A LOUDER GIRL: Reclaiming Rest, Reflection, and Renewal
December 22nd | 4–5 PM Pacific
Walk away with connection, support, peace, and the fire to keep going.
YES, I’m In → RSVP Now https://www.loudergirl.com/webinar

Coming Soon: HEROINE RISING: A 6-Week Live Workshop
Step Fully into Your Power and Be the Heroine of Your Own Story
This is the next level — for the woman ready to stop shrinking and start SHINING, unapologetically surrounded by women who see and celebrate her.

In this workshop, you’ll discover:

• How to become the heroine of your story
• How to reclaim your power
• How to “mother” and love yourself to find and use your voice
• How to become an awakened/conscious/whole leader, the kind the world needs
• How we rise together

Spaces are limited. Join the waiting list and claim your seat at the table of sisterhood.

Put Me on the Wait List! → https://www.loudergirl.com/gatherings